Sunday, December 12, 2010

Conspiracy Theory: Sharks at Sharm-el-Sheik

December 12, 2010

Since December 6, there have been a growing number of shark attacks on tourists at Egypt’s Sharm-el-Sheik resort. The most recent being today, when a 70 year old female German tourist was killed in waters very close to the shore. Scientists cannot, as yet, explain this behavior. There haven’t been this many shark attacks at Sharm-el-Sheik in over 6 years. There are a number of theories, including the possibility that fisherman have been chumming the water, and the fact that an inbound ship dumped a number of sheep carcasses in the Red Sea sometime last week, drawing the sharks to the area. Another theory, proposed by Conspiracy Theorist, Jonathan Kay, is that the sharks are actually “Jews in shark suits.”

Then there’s the theory propounded by the “famous” Red Sea diver, Mustafa Ismail. According to sources, Mr. Ismail was discussing the issue with an Israeli diver he knows, who confided that they had recently caught an Oceanic Whitetip shark in the gulf of Eilat, with a GPS transmitter on it. Mr. Ismail, a man known for his out-of-the-box thinking, has proposed the theory that the Mossad – Israel’s Intelligence agency – has been programming the GPS monitors on sharks to “monitor the sharks into Sharm-el-Sheik to attack tourists.” Clearly Mr. Ismail understands the use of the word “monitor” in its not-widely-known, nuanced meaning of, “controlling.”

His theory has begun to get traction. "What is being said about the Mossad throwing the deadly shark (in the sea)... is not out of the question," said South Sinai Governor Mohamed Abdel Fadil Shoush, according to the Egyptian news site,

Another variant of this theory may be closer to the truth. Our sources have discovered that J.K. Rowling, author of the popular, “Harry Potter” series, actually based many of her fictionalized characters on real people she knew, growing up. Our source has further discovered that the character, Draco Malfoy, was actually an unpopular Jewish boy named Asher Goldbergsteinowitzman, and that he could actually do magic! It is also known that Mr. Goldbergsteinowitzman made Aliya, to Israel, in October, 2004. Our attempts to reach him at his home in Petach Tikvah, were unsuccessful, but neighbors have reported seeing him coming and going at odd hours, in what appeared to be robes, often carrying what they believed to be a small stick. “I thought it was a really old, short lulav,” says Yosefa Cohenheimerberg, a neighbor. “But then I noticed that he was still carrying it, long after Sukkot had ended.” Curious, perhaps, but not too troubling.

But in recent weeks, there have been disturbing reports of Mr. Goldbergsteinowitzman coming home smelling, oddly, of fish. “It’s not normal,” said David Lipnermansky, 47, a bus driver who has driven Mr. Goldbergsteinowitzman to “work” every day for the past three years. “He always get off in a – how you say – industrial part of town. There are no other bus-stops close. This is not close to the ocean. Why he should smell so bad when he come home? The other pipples are complaining on him, but he is not listening. He say to them, ‘Mind yer own business’… I don’t know… something like this.”

Is it possible that Asher Goldbergsteinowitzman, aka Draco Malfoy, is bewitching sharks to attack tourists at Sharm-el-Sheik, at the behest of the Mossad? Mr. George Weasley - who is, coincidentally missing an ear, but insists that he is not related to the character in Ms. Rowling’s books - is a noted expert in paranormal activity. We asked him whether this sort of thing might be possible. “Indeed, yes.” said Mr. Weasley. “Bewitching animals is old-hat for most witches and wizards, although it is rather unusual to see it done with sharks, for some reason. But there is no reason, at least in principle, why this could not be done.”

We also called upon Ms. Rowling to give her opinion as to whether this would be the type of thing Draco Malfoy, aka Asher Goldbergsteinowitzman, would do. She was unavailable for comment, but someone on the street who is familiar with her books, explained that in Book 6, Draco demonstrates his prodigious skills with the Imperius curse, on Madame Rosemerta, so there’s no reason why we shouldn’t assume that he could do it with sharks.

We’re sure the U.N. will want to investigate these serious allegations.

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